WHO SHOULD I MARRY

Before You Marry

Biblical Counsel for Those who Seek Marriage

Richard Hollerman

Are you prepared for the most important decision of your life?

How you choose a marriage partner may determine where you spend eternity!

We all know that marriage—the union of a husband and wife—was planned by God from the very beginning.  When He created Adam, the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 1:18).  God then made a woman from the side of Adam.  Moses made this summary statement: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (v. 24).  God our Creator planned for this unique, blessed, and lifelong relationship of man and woman!

Through the centuries, it has generally been God’s will that a man and woman meet, become acquainted with each other, and unite in marriage.  The Biblical rule is “one man married to one wife for life.”  The Lord Jesus confirmed God’s original purpose by saying, “They are no longer two, but one flesh.  What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6).

God designed for marriage to be a most wondrous relationship, one of deep significance, of growth and pursuit of a mutual dream of serving the Lord Jesus together.  Generally this divine plan of marriage will include children who are raised to love and honor God.  A marriage (and the family) is the context for accomplishing God’s will and sharing the glorious gospel of Jesus Christ.  In fact, the marital relationship is a human display or picture of Christ’s own love for His body, the people of God on earth (Ephesians 5:22-33; 1 Corinthians 11:3).

Sadly, we know that people often disregard or violate God’s wonderful and beautiful plan for marriage.  What begins as an exciting and significant union filled with hope and dreams ends in despair, strife, unfaithfulness, and broken dreams.  A high percentage of marriages end in divorce—and many of these end in a remarriage to another party.  Researchers state that even marriages that remain intact are usually characterized by disappointment, disillusionment, unfulfillment, and often outright conflict and animosity.  What is wrong?  What turned a wonderful relationship established by God into such a devastating result?

Since God designed marriage, we must ask what directions He gives for this divine union.  If you want to have a marriage that is planned in heaven and want to avoid the common mistakes married people make, we offer the following counsel from God’s own Word.

Choices for your Marriage Quest

First, make sure that you personally are a forgiven child of God before you open yourself to another person.  With God as your Father and with His help, you will be able to evaluate the opposite sex with His own sight and criteria.  You need the Lord’s wisdom and blessing in order to find a suitable companion for life.  If you only rely on a feeling that people interpret as “falling in love” is setting a couple up for disaster! You must proceed in a more deliberate and spiritual way.   You need God’s Word, the Bible, to properly view marriage and a prospective marriage partner (Psalm 119:105; Matthew 4:4; 2 Timothy 3:15-17).

Second, consider another person for marriage only if he or she is a true child of God.  Surely one of the most tragic and unfulfilling situations is to be married to one who does not share your commitment to Jesus.  It has been said, “Marriage is for those who love God and one another.” Jesus said that one who does not know God is actually a child of Satan (John 8:44; cf. 1 John 3:10).  God does not permit one to join himself to another person unless that person has a saving relationship with Jesus. Your prospective marriage partner must be one who is “in the Lord”—or has a relationship with the Lord Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:39).  A man is only permitted to marry a “sister” in God’s family—a fellow believer in Christ (1 Corinthians 9:5).

Third, be willing to seek counsel and guidance from others before choosing a mate—but use this with much discretion. If you have parents, seek their direction and wisdom in choosing a spouse. Remember that your father is the head of the home and you must especially seek His wisdom and insights in seeking a marriage partner. “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching” (Proverbs 1:8).  Even if your parents are not saved, give consideration to their counsel.  However, be very careful with such counsel since unbelievers do not have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16) and the Bible says, “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked” (Psalm 1:1).  Remember, unsaved or unspiritual parents may offer worldly and dangerous advice that could bring much grief in the future.  Ungodly advice from unsaved friends and family can be ruinous and lead you astray (1 Corinthians 15:33; Proverbs 13:20).  Thus, use much discretion with this counsel.

Fourth, make sure that the person you are considering for marriage is not only a Christian but also a growing, maturing, and devoted Christian.  If you marry an apathetic person, you will be wrongly influenced.  Since life and eternity is so utterly important, you need to marry a person who will lift you up spiritually and help you to strive for higher spiritual goals.  God wants marriage for two committed Christians who are seeking first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33), who are “seeking the things above” (Colossians 3:1-2), and who want to glorify God in all they do (1 Corinthians 10:31).  Your earnest desire in life should be to love and serve God, thus you need to choose a person who will help you in this great goal.  Likewise, you want to be able to encourage your spouse to this same Godly lifestyle and eternal destiny.

Fifth, make sure that you seek the counsel of spiritual and mature brothers and sisters before you consider another person.  “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel” (Proverbs 12:15).  “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed” (15:22; cf. 11:14).  If you are part of a believing community with elders or overseers, remember that they are “shepherds” who “keep watch over your soul” (Hebrews 13:17).  If they are wise overseers, they should be able to offer valuable insights and direction in your quest for a lifetime mate.  Even if your group or fellowship has no qualified men as overseers, hopefully there would be one or more brothers or sisters who would give wise, objective, godly counsel on a prospective life partner.